January is a time of reflection for everyone and for me it is a reflection on my life as well as Kevin’s health journey. January 7, 2021 is the last day that Kevin worked, the day that our lives changed forever. This year it will be three years and when that is said out loud that is just so crazy!
The different stages of being a care giver are kind of hard to define, the first year for me was hard but I did it joyfully. I loved the role that I played, taking care of my husband. I was proud of every small change and improvement that was made and found God in every little thing. The second year for me was a subtle shift with more pressure for me to provide and reality of life setting in. The mundaneness of life, the stability in the unstable became my life. The third year was the hardest. Reality of the situation "never" changing set in. Instead of seeing God and little miracles everywhere I began just seeing ways that God abandoned us and was not taking care of us. I felt completely alone.
On Sunday we heard a message that gave an overview of Ecclesiastes. I loved that it was such a depressing book, sometimes when you're in a state of depression hearing depressing things gives you a weird sense of hope. In this book it talks about how everything is vanity. Love, wisdom, all vanity. The speaker said "I sometimes forget my grandparents’ names, you might remember your grandparents, but do you know your great grandparents? How fast our lives are forgotten." Our whole lives are vanity, they will be forgotten and everything that I am worried about and stressing over are all pointless. So that leaves the big question of what is important then? If everything is vanity, even love and wisdom, what is the point of living? What makes your life, your struggle, your pain worth it?
"Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry:" Ecclesiastes 8:15
Joy. What makes life worth it? Joy. I confess this year I have been more eager to find reason for self-pity than for joy. And so, my word of 2024 was born.
I started in 2018 having a word that I wanted to define the year. 2018 was "yes", and this led me to swimming in the ocean every month that year. In 2019 was "no", something I am still learning to do but was a good switch from always saying "yes". 2020 was "afraid", this came from a poster I found Christmas 2019 that says “stay afraid but do it anyway” which still hangs on my wall. 2020 was the year of Peru, dating, COVID, engagement, and marriage. In 2021 I chose "discover". This was a good word for a newly married couple, and it was interesting to see all we discovered about each other that first year even among Kevin’s health crash. In 2022 I think I chose "improvement"; which I soon lost sight of and quickly lost momentum. Last year I did not choose a word.
I wanted to choose a word again this year. I don’t think that these words are what makes or breaks my year, but I think it helps give perspective and guidance as I navigate the year. I was asking God for a word and the word health was one that I kept getting stuck on. Health for me and for Kevin. Mental, physical and spiritual health. And I still do hope that our health can improve this year but that is not the word that I landed on.
Sitting in the service, crying, I knew that God wanted me to choose joy, even in the hard. To learn to laugh again and find out who I am again. To believe in the person that God made me to be. So, this year, I chose mirth. I choose mirth because God commends it! To eat, drink, and be merry! I want to not begin the cycle of being a caregiver again but to wind up back where I started, to love taking care of my husband and to find the little things that bring joy, excitement, and miracles.
The preacher ends Ecclesiastes with these verses “Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.” Ecclesiastes 12:13-14
